


dirt under their shoes

by Prettything_uglylie



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, F/M, Gen, M/M, POV John Murphy (The 100), Past Child Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, vent - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-30
Updated: 2019-08-30
Packaged: 2020-09-30 08:57:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20444519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prettything_uglylie/pseuds/Prettything_uglylie
Summary: 'Shut up, Murphy' someone says and he is frozen.





	dirt under their shoes

_shut up, murphy,_ someone throws over the shoulder, not even sparing him a glance and murphy is frozen. 

on some days, john murphy is flame, is fighter, is knife-wielding badass, is a survivor but when the sun rises and falls, so does his mood. if some days he is a survivor then other days, he is victim. other days, he is the broken boy his mother never cared enough for but who always wanted to believe that deep down somewhere she did love him, or he is the scared little boy, clutching a homemade knife like it'll give him the safety and security his mother's touch never provided. 

_shut up, john_, his mother barks at him when he's on the floor, gasping as blood gushes from his open stomach wound; she had pushed him around and he had broken a vase. it didn't stop her, only made her hit harder and murmur cruel words into his ear that cut deeper than the glass. he does. he learns to stop crying so loud. 

[ when they arrive down to Earth and Goggles Boy takes a spear to the chest, 

Murphy will deny thinking that he thinks of his own cries when he was younger and didn't know that if he didn't stop, she would just keep hitting.

he turns into his mother, demanding _Jasper Jordan'_s silence... or his life. ] 

_shut up, murphy,_ Bellamy throws over his broad shoulders, his forehead licked with his sweaty curls and murphy wants to shout, wants to be defiant, wants to scream at the top of his lungs _DO YOU EVEN KNOW MY FIRST NAME? I HAVE BEEN DYING FOR YOU, OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND DO YOU EVEN KNOW MY FIRST NAME, BELLAMY?. _he craves to be every ounce the defiant teenager he should be allowed to be at this age. but Bellamy's hazel, golden-brown eyes are stern but in a tender way, like how Bellamy curls his hands in murphy's jacket when he gets mad, and the edges of his eyes dance with something that edges the lines of tiredness. and that's when john murphy knows, why he gets it; they aren't that different. maybe thats why murphy may have been more than willing to stand in front of the gun for Bellamy. 

[ there is a time after this, where Bellamy Blake's wrists are bound in silver chains and he looks murphy in the eyes

and vows 'you don't care about anyone but yourself' and john murphy can only shake his head and soothe 'you're wrong'. 

_'there was a time where i did,'_ he wishes to murmur instead _'and then you came along and looked at me with your campfire eyes and you made me warm inside, Bellamy. you heated this house when i have gotten so used to walking on the concrete floor in my bare feet.'_

he doesn't. he doesn't have the time. 

Bellamy doesn't want to hear the pleas of love from the loud boy. ] 

_shut up, skaiboi,_ the Grounder murmurs in his ear, three days into torture and now that he has opened his mouth, murphy is not sure he will ever stop screaming, is not sure that the loud boy won't kill every part of the quiet survivor left. but the Grounder forces, the Grounder pushes and slips a hand over his mouth and forces himself into a tight ring of muscle and he doesn't care if he makes murphy bleed trying. 

[ murphy never imagined his first time. not until he met Bellamy or since he had grinded with Mbege on their lockup mattress. 

he had imagined gentle hands, reassuring lips against his throat and a goal to get them both off.

he gets his face pressed into the ground and intentional thrusts with only the goal to get the Grounder off. 

he does bleed. a lot. ]

_shut up, worm,_ the New Commander boasts and a part of murphy knows he should like her, should squint his eyes and pretend that his thinly veiled 'there's someone else' wasn't a hope of her seeing the word no, the word no he couldn't rasp through the collar of his chains. he does not say no but he does not say yes but it doesn't matter, it keeps him alive another day. and he knows he should like it: she's pretty and powerful in a way he knows he likes but as he's thrusting in her, chains wrapped around her headboard, he feels nothing, wants to run. wants to scream. he says nothing. 

[ she doesn't like his voice, doesn't like the way it wraps around her, deadpanned. 

she calls it annoying. she calls it the voice of a dead man. 

she fails to realise that she is one of the many who killed the dead man. ] 

_shut up, murphy_, the mechanic grins as he watches her screw in the bolt onto some machine where he doesn't know what it does and murphy forces a smile. Raven Reyes is beautiful in an undeniable way - murphy has thought about his hands around her neck before and it made his stomach heavy instead of his chest light, so he thinks it's safe to say he likes her - and they throw their fair share of punches back and forth. but his knuckles are scarred and hers are covered in oil and eventually they have to stop because her knee hurts and -- and those stops make him very quiet. 

[ she means him no harm, he believes - 

but he had been lead to believe that once only for her to try to hand him to Grounders for Finn's punishment. 

he fears she will do this again. 

he doesn't hold it against her though: they're both survivors in their own rights, she usually just hides her disappointment when the world doesn't burn. ] 

_shut up, john,_ his love groans and john murphy is eleven years old, begging his mother to love him again. she leaves him on that ship and she does not glance back and john murphy does not yell, he does not plead, he does not beg her in his bloodsoaked, scattered hands to stay because he knows this game. he knows the answer would be 'no'. 

[ john murphy lives a rough life 

because the noise is loud in his head 

but when he is loud to talk over the voices, 

people talk over him or demand his silence 

and murphy is forced back into his quiet. ]

_shut up, murphy,_ Wanheda commands and it has been over one hundred years but murphy is still angry. murphy is still angry after all of these years and he is still the piece of work who's loud mouth could separate anyone from him. he has been quiet for one hundred years but when murphy uses his words, murphy knows how to swing his voice better than to stab with his knife. some days, murphy is flame instead of forest fire but when you try to snatch away his family in small portrait hands, john murphy is all bit loud boy, is all shouting. john murphy yells and banters and destroys, all with words. 

[ john murphy is flame somedays, 

john murphy is forest fires others. 

having this family, however, 

having spacekru, makes him feel more campfire. 

something manageable but loved and it makes him... 

it makes john murphy feel warm. ]


End file.
